Monday, January 01, 2007The SerenityI wrote a letter to God (or the Universe, or the Powers that Be... you know who or what I mean) last night.I usually have a new year's motto but it ends up getting wierdly twisted (like last year when my goal was to get more space in my life for new things and I got burglarized three days later). So my first comment to the universe was a request that we not do this like opposing attorneys but rather work on the same side. You know, cooperate with the intent of the request and not find all the loopholes. The idea for the letter came from this great book I am reading called "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. She writes a letter to God, even though she feels stupid for doing so and selfish for bothering the Universe with her own trivial concerns. I totally get that. But she got around that and so, as it turns out, did I. I figure the powers that be are, well, pretty powerful. They don't have schedules and bandwidth problems like the rest of us. And... as she pointed out... if one person's anger and fuckedupness can affect the planet, so can one person's happiness and well-being. So in that sense it's OK to ask to be happy. It's selfish but it's not merely selfish. It's good for me, and it's also good for my kids. And my co-workers. And my dog. And, by extension, the planet. So here's what I asked for... and by extension I'm asking it for you. I want the serenity this year, and not the hit. This is a phrase coined by Annie LaMott, a writer whom I revere for her humor, honesty and courage. I forget what book it's in of hers, but it's the old addict's dilemma: do you want the serenity or the hit? I think most of us, if we thought about it with brutal honesty, would admit to wanting the hit. The punchy high of a great creative success, the drug love of a passionate (if not completely healthy) relationship, the giddy manic swings of rock and rolling through life. I certainly love those moments. But as I age and learn more about myself I also know that these swings carry with them a sometimes wicked backlash. And dealing with the backlash takes energy. And time. And it's a bummer. When all is said and done, the hit stuff is equal parts fun and funky... hence a wash... and kind of a waste of time. So I'm consciously going for the serenity this year -- specifically in my next relationship, wherever it may be lurking. Part of the letter included my stating that I actually do deserve a good relationship and, actually, I really want it and am expecting it sooner rather than later. It's not impossible, I point out to the gods. It actually isn't impossible for me, Kathy, to have a good relationship. So let's get on that, shall we?, I nudge with friendly cameraderie. And while we're at it, I'm going to make some changes in how I go about doing things. Starting with this serenity thing. Well, my inner drama queen despairs at all of this. She whispers in my ear: what are you doing? You know how fun it is to have some huge issue to work through. You know how much you love the unavailable, the inaccessible, the inappropriate and, let's face it, the slightly insane. What are you going to do without those things? You're going to settle for a really boring boyfriend? just so you don't have too much, you know, fun? And some other part of me tries to answer -- because it is a compelling argument: but maybe I can be happy without all the drama. Maybe it's possible. Maybe I can have a little insane and be serene. Maybe it can work out and be fun and be sexy and be solid. I can't really definitively say this for sure, because I've never really experienced it. But I have to believe that love can be serene and not boring. I have to believe it. So I'm asking for serenity. Not just in my relationships, but in everything. And not just for me, but for the planet. Maybe we can be better without the drama. Maybe we can find love and fulfillment without the chaos. Maybe in that state we can actually move forward in our lives, with it as our strength and our solace. Maybe our lives don't have to be so filled with hills and valleys that we spend all our time just trying to refind our balance. I asked for other things too... like the freedom an ability to write good words, to be more of what I'm supposed to be in this life, to more fully and perfectly fulfill my contract as I move through time. But it's all kind of wrapped up in this serenity package. If I can make those choices consistently, and if it ripples out in some indefinable way to others, my hope is that this whole mess will settle down a bit. We can be more calm. The world can perhaps begin to breathe again. # posted by Katherine Doughtie Nolan @ 11:05 AM  
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