Wednesday, February 23, 2005Running the BarrelIn stage lighting we change the sharpness of the edges of a beam of light by running the barrel of the lighting instrument back and forth. When I'm on stage doing a focus, I'm always yelling up to the catwalks "Can you fuzz that out for me a bit?" "Run the barrel out the other way!"Tonight, a dear friend whom I have helped out at various times called me her guardian angel. I am doing her a small monetary favor and she is grateful. This is only noteworthy because, considering my current circumstances, doing anyone a monetary favor is probably extremely stupid. At least when looked at objectively. And yet I felt nothing but elation when I told her I'd be honored to help. As I was driving home from Target (!!) I was thinking about how good I felt about this decision and how I absolutely know it's the right thing to do. And the thought crossed my mind: it's not my money. It's not. None of it's my money. (And no, the answer is not "of course not, it belongs to Coldwell Banker and Chase Manhattan and Bank One and HSBC, stupid.") The answer is that it's universal money and it flows in and out of my life as needed. It is my energy. And there is plenty of it. The second I thought that, I glanced up out my car window and saw the moon. Ethereal. Shrouded and mysterious behind the clouds. Large and shimmering and fuzzed out. I was looking up and over my glasses. When I adjusted my gaze and looked through the lenses, there was the moon again. But it was a different moon. It was in crisp focus. Smaller. Beautifully elegant. Above the glasses: large and luminous. Through the glasses: small and clear. Two different moons. In my therapist's office I do lots of drawings. I cover big sheets of paper with many layers of pastels, using hands and nails and fingers and usually ending up completely smudgey and utterly purged. We take these pictures and hold them away from us across the room. She tells me to squint. I've found the shortcut to that is to simply take off my glasses. Immediately I see the subconcious monsters emerge from the page, the swirling caves, the crouching menaces that my unconscious creates. Sometimes the way to see is to take off the glasses. Sometimes reality is clearer when it's out of focus. The money given from an empty account becomes more than money: it becomes a statement of faith and love. The moon viewed without glasses becomes a glowing orb, big with open arms. The inner landscape viewed without precision becomes a mysterious region, populated with my inner beasts and silent allies. Run the barrel. Soften the edges. Change the focus. By looking at something the way I shouldn't be looking at it, maybe that's the way to see what it really is. # posted by Katherine Doughtie Nolan @ 9:39 PM  
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